From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

For other uses,  see  Divorce (disambiguation).

 (or the dissolution of marriage) is the final termination of a marital union, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties (unlike annulment which declares the marriage null and void). Divorce laws vary considerably around the world but in most countries it requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process. The legal process for divorce may also involve issues of spousal supportchild custodychild supportdistribution of property and division of debt. Where monogamy is law, divorce allows each former partner to marry another; where polygyny is legal but polyandry is not, divorce allows the woman to marry another.

For many divorce is a painful, ugly and devastating event. It can represent not only the loss of a loved one but the break-up of a family and the dissolution of self-identity.  Grief, depression and anxiety can set in.  Mourning for the life that is now gone, fear of what is to come in the future and the present pain of loss can cause feelings to spiral out of control.

Therapy can address all of these issues as well as give tools for building your post divorce identity, healing from betrayal and becoming friends or moving on without them in your life as well as helping you as parents in healing the family and creating safe family dynamics.

Here are My Top Tips for Couples facing Divorce

1. Create Clear Ground Rules

This is #1 because this is the hardest for people to do if one person was betrayed by the other or if one person wants the divorce and the other doesn’t. Being acrimonious isn’t helpful to either person in a divorce. To help eliminate that set clear fair guidelines in writing for interacting with each other. That may be to have no interactions for a specific time period and then only with attorneys or a mediator present or in couple’s therapy. (Yes I even suggest it if only on how to interact with each other as a divorced couple)

2. Let go…Let God

Completely dissolve the old relationship and let it go. If there is to be any chance of being friends in the future you have to let go of the old relationship and ways of relating to each other and make room for a new relationship (with time) to emerge from the ashes of the old. This is especially important if you have children. Don’t engage in old relationship patterns even if the other person is trying to pull you into it. You may feel lonely and isolated for a time but it is the only way to move forward. Don’t try to be friends too quickly. Give it and you time to heal and establish new boundaries that will allow the new relationship to flourish.

3. Trust But Verify

I have said this for years. My friends and family can tell you how often I quote this to them. As money is the first or 2nd reason for relationship issues this is important. Divorce doesn’t have to be messy if again you have a clear written plan for dealing with each other and where money is concerned have clear rules and consequences clearly spelled out if one or the other “forgets” the rules. Trust they will act in your highest good but verify that they are doing so from time to time so you are not feeling as if you don’t get broadsided by a nasty surprise.

4. Get Support/Advice/Comfort From Experts

This is tough for many as their spouse was probably their main source of support but you now must find emotional support for your loss from outside of your marriage or ex’s family. The only way to heal and move forward is to make completely new support systems to rely on. It isn’t healthy to constantly go to your ex or your ex’s family for that support. Just like in your ex’s relationship you must let the old relationships go and forge new ones so that you have a chance at building a new life.

There are therapists and support groups in your local area that specialize in divorce and separation and a great deal of online materials and books to help you through this process of healing. It is important to reach out to your family and friends initially but long-term healing needs to come from within and that may take a professional to aid in the process

5. If Someone Shows You Who They Are Believe Them

In romance novels the bad boy always turns good for the right woman (or man) and all it takes is love to make that happen. In reality people without a lot of therapy and self-analysis rarely change. If you are in a relationship with a cheater and now want to get into a marriage with them you should not be surprised to be cheated on. If your spouse can’t handle money, doesn’t pay bills on time and has enormous credit card debt that will not all magically change for the love of a good person.

The only LOVE that can change that behavior is self-love.

Image: Ambro/freedigitalphotos.net

Dr. Lewis Jordan has over 20 years experience in psychotherapy, counseling, education and public speaking. Dr. Lewis Jordan’s Psychotherapy ServicesFlorida therapy offices for Therapy & Neurofeedback Services are located in various locations throughout South Florida as well as offices in New York City and South Carolina.  Please click here for Dr. Lewis Jordan’s current Educational Videos

Please visit this site regularly http://www.JordanTherapy.com and http://www.LewisJamesJordan.com for more information and updates.  

Blessings to you.

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