Top 10 Things You Learn Through Relationships

1.When you lie down with a pig you tend to get dirty.

Having sex, getting involved with friends or doing business with someone who is not on the same level of ethics, emotional balance or maturity does not serve you and will actually pull you down. This imbalance between energies is going to seek an equilibrium with the most likely outcome being a meeting in the middle. Meaning, your energy goes down and theirs comes up somewhat. It is best to be in relationship’s that bring you up or supports you evolving and growing in life. If you find you are constantly in relationships where you have to “dumb down” or compromise your growth it is not healthy for you.


Instead of blaming others examine in yourself why you continue to need these types of relationships and what you believe about yourself. Once you understand there is a pay off to having these types of relationships and letting that reason go you will be able to be in relationships that foster your growth and love and happiness.


From time to time you may be out of energy alignment with your partner or mate and this does not mean the relationship is over. But when you are in a consistent pattern of going in different directions or not merging energetically it’s time to think about who is the pig and who is getting dirty. Remember wipe the dirt off and figure out why you wanted to get dirty in the first place. Don’t play the blame game as you will just find yourself back in the mud pile again.


2. Think you can change him or her in a relationship is like changing a baby, it can be a (messy) job.


This generally is a really bad idea. People do this for many reasons and seldom is it done out of love for the person. Generally it is a selfish need on the part of the person trying to change the partner. I once went into a relationship with an alcoholic, who did what all alcoholics do, put drink first and everything else second. Finally the alcoholic left me and I thought why? What did I do wrong. They said, “you’ll never love the drunk in the morning.”


I knew in that moment that no matter how much I thought loved this person, the person I really loved was the one I wanted them to be and the worse thing of all was they knew it! You see, love is unconditional, not conditional on what you can make the person be. Many people on a subconscious level choose people that they perceive needs “fixing” because they are scared and want to control their relationship and do not want an equal.


Still some others look to fix someone so they do not have to focus on their own pain or issues. However you slice it, you can never fix a person who does not want to be fixed and putting someone in this position is really all about you. Again if you find you are always in relationships where you are “fixing” people examine what it is in yourself that motivates this. This is something that may be hard to face and needs to be addressed with a therapist.


Often times we are fixing things we judge in ourselves or fear deep down that we may be some component of what we are trying to fix in them. A therapist is really the right person to help you explore this and guide you in healing it so that you can be in relationships without needing to fix things in people, changing them or attracting people who want you to fix them because of their own issues.


3. When a relationship is like pushing a rock up a hill, with a stick, its time to leave, or time to shake the sugar tree.


I tend to go to country songs to explain this one. Tammy Wynette seems to have learned this one the hard way. Listen to the words to “Stand by your man” and hear what a women who is with a physically abusive alcoholic is struggling with. She knows it is a bad decision to stay for her but believes that he can’t help it because he is just a man. It is a sad song, but the good news is that about the time the song came out Tammy left the toxic relationship for good.


This is not always the best decision when there is nothing really fundamentally wrong with the relationship. A good country song by Pam Tillis, “Shake the Sugar tree”, really explains the notion of when it’s a good idea to let your partner know that you need some “sugar” as the southerners say, and are going to shake that tree (your partner) until they get it. Communicating your needs to your partner instead of just giving up seems to be the message of this song. She is feeling neglected and wants attention and feels the only time she gets it is when her partner is worried she might leave.


We tend to get in relationships and forget that our partner is human and not psychic and needs to be communicated with when we have a need that is not being met. If we are constantly expecting them to know what we need without expressing it we are setting them up for failure. It is not true that if they loved you better they would instantly know your needs. That is only in the movies and in romance novels.


In real life relationships take 2 people communicating honestly and clearly what their expectations are and having the dialogue with your partner. If you have unexpressed needs and expect them to meet them and they don’t ask yourself if you could do so if you were in their shoes. If you are looking for that in a partner are you able to give it?


You may have unconscious beliefs that you have brought into the relationship about what dating means, what sex in a relationship means, what your beliefs in money is or marriage and so does your partner. These beliefs are the real drivers in the relationship and you have to get in touch with what they are in each other in order to have a healthy relationship.


4.Sex is never free, for we are all whores , dickering over the price.


This is not something I came up with, it was told to me by a very old and I think very observant woman. Think about sex as an exchange of energy. There is a give and take in this energy. Sometimes one is giving money, affection, obligation, needs approval or attention or is just feeling horny.


All however is a give and take and your price is already set in your mind. Put aside your judgements about sex as this is always a touchy subject and often times we don’t realize we have idealized views from hollywood movies or romance novels about sex in relationships. Sometimes we have to “fool” ourselves in believing we are “in love” to have sex as we have judgements about sex being as being dirty or sinful. If this subject is pushing your buttons and making you uncomfortable or angry you need to explore why.


Release your judgements and see it as it really is. An exchange of energy. What are you exchanging to get your needs met? What does your partner want in exchange for meeting their needs?


Sex can involve love and it is the love that is free, NOT THE SEX. This is where people can get confused and their judgements and preconceived beliefs about sex seem to come up. Is this making you uncomfortable? What are your beliefs about the subject of sex? About love? About love and sex? Does your partner share the same beliefs? This is where problems arise in relationships. One partners expectation or price for sex isn’t matching the other’s. This is where communication plays a very important part in the health and happiness of the relationship.


ANYTHING that is an act of love is free and comes with no expectations or desires for a return. ALL else is an exchange that involves a price setting system. More often than not, sex becomes this in relationships from time to time. This is not a bad thing. Where there can be another issue is in valuing your energy exchange lower than you are worth. Anytime you value yourself and your “price” in life does not serve you. If you do not ask for what you believe you are worth how is the other person? Do you know your price?


As that wise woman also said. Which would you rather be the high-priced whore in the beachfront penthouse suite or the one on the corner? I am high value all the way!


If you are not understanding what that means. Think of it this way. If you give away your time, your intellect, your body and you do not get in return what you expected for it, you are devaluing yourself. Only you can set your value and only you can accept less than what you are worth. By having an open dialogue of expectation and value in a relationship no one can feel used, cheated or misunderstood about what you are exchanging together.


5.There is no such a thing as Happily ever after.


Have you ever noticed that the story ends right when the person gets what ever it was they wanted and it just ends there? It tries to convey that happiness is about getting something which makes it outside of us. Happy Ending stories never tells you the story after!


Happiness is a CHOICE that we MAKE everyday and has little to do with achieving a specific goal and all about what we are choosing to FEEL, sometimes moment to moment.


Remember, emotions occur in the moment, the present moment. There is no guarantee of anything but that your emotions are going to change in relationship to the experience that your mind and intentions of thought place out into the universal mind. What you think about you bring about. You must consciously choose happiness in your thoughts and feelings to bring circumstances in your outer experience that are “happy”


6.Happiness is not something a person can give you, it is something you experience.


This is another result of too many romance novels and romantic movies. No one can MAKE you feel anything. YOU do all the choosing and making no choice is still a choice. NO ONE is responsible for your happiness BUT YOU!


Relationships only work well when 2 people are WHOLE and healthy. When we make someone else responsible for our feelings we give our power away. You can not wait for a relationship to get happy and you can not make someone else responsible for how you feel.


7.Love is always there, we just can’t see it sometimes.


Another fallacy that is put out by Hollywood and romance novels is there is “The One”. That out of all the billions of people on the planet we (if we are lucky) find that “one” person we are meant to be with for the rest of our lives.


No wonder there are so many overweight or lonely or depressed or addicted people in the world. The scientific probability of that is enormously slim and well if that is true then you will be spending a lot of time with frogs!


The good news is that it is NOT TRUE! Love is everywhere and in everyone. We are here to experience love in many forms. Love of a parent, love of a friend and love of a romantic partner. The most important love of all…love of self. There is no limits to the love we can experience. When we limit ourselves to only experiencing love in only one form and believing that is the only form that matters we cut ourselves off from experiencing love. That leads us to experiencing it from NOT having it.


8. Piss in one hand, wish in the other, see which one fills up first.


How many relationships have you had where the other person is always promising to change and doesn’t. This goes back to the earlier point of thinking they have to be the one to change but the point of this is we all know how fast your hand will fill up with the first before the latter. You have to ask yourself if the promises are empty over and over that there is a problem and it is YOU! Accept that they are not going to change it is not a priority to them and you now have a choice to make in what you want to do about it.


9.  Relationships are like people, there’s all kinds in all shapes and sizes


Getting back to the earlier point. We have relationships with all kinds of people and in all kinds of ways. We can learn so many things throughout our lives by having the courage to experience them. Are you open to experiencing love from yourself, from family members, from friends, my romantic partners? How about from a pet or your neighbors, community?


The more we share love the more we get in return. Remember what you think about you bring about. What you put out is attracted back to you in many forms. Be open. Be loving to yourself and to others. The returns are amazing!


10.It is True, learning to love yourself actually is the greatest love of all

If you are looking for your “other half” in other people in your relationships you will be looking for a long time! You will also go through a lot of relationships! No one completes you except you.


You are the love of your life. You are half that completes your whole. Once you get that you have to be the greatest love of all for yourself in order to experience love from another you will get your “happy ending”



Dr. Lewis Jordan has over 20 years experience in psychotherapy, counseling, education and public speaking. Dr. Lewis Jordan’s Psychotherapy ServicesFlorida therapy offices for Therapy & Neurofeedback Services are located in various locations throughout South Florida as well as offices in New York City and South Carolina.  Please click here for Dr. Lewis Jordan’s current Educational Videos

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Blessings to you.

One Response to Top 10 Things You Learn Through Relationships
  1. Marcell Rosko
    December 17, 2011 | 4:39 PM

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