Forgiveness And Letting Go Of Past Hurts Sounds Impossible but Isn’t

Our human mind may call it forgiveness, but God is not thinking about our inner and outer misdeeds. He just wants us to raise our consciousness so that we will increase our receptivity and oneness with Him.  Sri Chinmoy

This is one of those topics that elicits a lot of dialog, some heated and critical and others get it and feel free for the first time in years. Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do because we truly don’t get what forgiveness is all about. Forgiveness is never about the other person!!! LET ME REPEAT…IT IS NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON YOU ARE FORGIVING!


Forgiveness is about transcendence and responsibility. Forgiveness is about personal power and the ability to come from love and move forward in your life happy, healthy and balanced. Transcendence means moving beyond the moment of hurt/ fear/trauma/ condition that is causing the anger, judgement and criticism.


This is where it is going to get sticky and some people will be angry about what I am about to say. I have been surfing through the internet and reading what others have said about forgiveness and am amazed at all things I have read that say you have to MEAN it or you have to ask for it to receive it. That is not the true meaning of forgiveness. That does not free you from the control it has on your life. All that means is you are judging and need to be “right” not happy. When we require someone else to do something for the forgiveness that is not real forgiveness. That means again we are giving away our responsibility for our happiness and our personal power.



To be sincere in our forgiveness of others we should not be remembering the cause. Forgiveness is not conditional. If we tell someone we forgive them but hold it against them later than that is not true forgiveness. To forgive is to forget.


Forgiveness is not about the other person and by forgiving we help ourselves immensely. By harboring unforgiveness we are living and thinking in critical and judgmental ways. That is harmful to us not the person we can’t forgive. Through forgiveness we learn to appreciate the humanness/oneness of others. Through forgiveness we become aware of our extended reality.


We all know the story of the supreme act of forgiveness but do we really understand it? “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” That was the ultimate act of forgiveness. Do you understand the meaning of his words and actions? It was his knowledge of our oneness that enabled him to know forgiveness enables you to transcend the pain and anger. By holding on you are giving away your power, your happiness and your freedom. They are no longer choosing to do that “to” you…you are.


It is not about being “saintly” or “christ like”. It is not invalidating your pain or anger. It is releasing you from the control those emotions have on your life. It is not eliminating the person from responsibility for their actions. It doesn’t mean that they have to be in your life in the present but it does mean letting go of the “tit for tat”, vengeful emotions. All that is required is to move forward, to let go of the old hurts. All we have to do is let go of all the negative emotions associated with the person. As long as we hold onto the pain and anger, we are choosing to allow the person’s past actions to continue to hurt us in the present.


Unforgiveness creates illness, depression and blocks to having happiness. Letting go frees you from the effects and leads to a happy healthy and balanced life. Would you rather be happy or right?


Go to a quiet place where you can be alone and think of each of these painful situations. Think of these in detail, allow yourself to feel the hurt. Then place yourself in the other person’s shoes. What do you think motivated them to behave the way they did? Were they abused themselves? Do they suffer from mental illness? What fears and insecurities motivated their behavior? Now think of how they are stealing your personal power. Does this make you angry? Do you want to stop? Yes! Now fill out this part of the exercise for each person on your list. Speak the words out loud as if you are speaking directly to them.


__________, I now understand why you behaved the way you did and I am sorry that you are so filled with pain that you feel you must inflict it on others in order to regain your own power. I refuse, however to let you hurt me anymore. I am choosing to let go of the pain you have caused me, for my sake. I realize that letting go of this pain does not minimize or condone your bad behavior. It does however validate my worth as a person and my right to finally be free of your abuse. I am choosing to take back my personal power so that I may heal. I now release all the hurtful emotions I feel regarding your behavior. I am no free to heal and move on.


Image: Evgeni Dinev/


Dr. Lewis Jordan has over 20 years experience in psychotherapy, counseling, education and public speaking. Dr. Lewis Jordan’s Psychotherapy ServicesFlorida therapy offices for Therapy & Neurofeedback Services are located in various locations throughout South Florida as well as offices in New York City and South Carolina.  Please click here for Dr. Lewis Jordan’s current Educational Videos

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Blessings to you.

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